I love tv... lots and lots of tv... Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me a fat person? Does that make me a bad mom? I am trying to restrict my kids' "screen" time - and the problem is I am not so willing to restrict my own screen time. My oldest - NEEDS to watch his shows. I am writing this as I have a dvr'd Private Practice in the background. My 4.5 year old is addicted to his DS - I am lost without my blackberry. I want them to be better than me - but I don't necessarily want to be better. I have a good friend who doesn't let her kids have any screen time during the week. I commend her - I am jealous of her ability to enforce. Enforce.
Last night, I was so tired - (the weather, the binge) - I just wanted to lay in bed. I mustered the energy to nuke some fish sticks and nuggets for my kids and against my better judgment I let the older one eat his fish sticks in the living room because I wasn't in the mood to fight. My husband was more pissed that I let him eat popcorn in the living room earlier after I made such a stick about the rugs being cleaned.
Where is my resolve to stick to anything? To structure for my kids, to structure for myself? To a food plan, exercise regime, even to promise to call.
I remember two of the last conversations I had with my mother. One, was my mom reminding me I never called right back when I said I would. Caller ID call waiting sucks. I always called back, it was not just always "right away." I probably wouldn't do it any differently, but at the same time - I wish it wasn't something that she said to me at the end. The other last thing was "don't quit my day job." I was singing in a joking way to cheer her up. She did say loving things to me over my life - but those were the last two - she was good at the digs. I don't resent her for those last words. I told her I loved her when she was in the morphine induced coma at the end. I told her how much I loved her - over and over. They say that hearing is the last to go - and I hope she heard my words.
In late April,. my mom and I forgave ourselves for our actions of the past. In some ways, I wish those were her last words. I can make them mine. Create my own truth - ha - the story of my life.
I feel so much better when I write- why do I drop off the blogging universe when I have so much that I want to get out.
I am reading "Moose" by Stephanie Klein. It is her memoir from fat camp. I never went to fat camp - but the identification with her feelings and thoughts is freaky. And yet, there is a lot of envy. Envy of her ability to share these intimate thoughts without fear of what others will think.
Even this little blog. I want people to read it - but not people I know. I used to want every person to read it -but then I would blog for those people who knew me. And then I would be angry they were reading it. It's like my issue with Facebook. I don't want people talking to me about things I say on Facebook in person. Isn't that weird? Why does that bother me so? I wonder if there is a name for that. It can't be lurking, because they comment on it - just to me...
Oh boy.
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